I recently read the Oh Crap, Potty Training book and thought a lot of her ideas made sense. Admittedly, her method is not how we trained our almost three year old, but if I could start over I think I would. The recommended method is: a day (or two or three) of completely naked with the potty in the room. You’re trying to get your child to move from the realization of 1. Clueless 2. I peed 3. I’m peeing 4. I need to pee. You’re also looking for their signs of needing to go. Then you go pantless, then commando for awhile. You’re trying to have fewer things to take off but also removing the “comfort” of having the poop and pee close to them. You’re also having them go every 30 minutes or 1 hour.
A few suggestions about your specific situation. 1. The more you “kinda” potty train, the longer it’s going to take. It’s confusing for kids when you’re only trying once or twice a day. They don’t learn their bodies that way. We had the most success with our kid when we just decided we were done with diapers. I know I could’ve trained her at 2 if I actually gave it my full attention. We did no diapers during the day and no diapers at nap. We still do night diapers but honestly they’ve only been wet maybe twice this month. We also did diapers on an eight-hour road trip, but again, still dry. 2. About her fear, poop is a big thing. It took a long time for our kid. Pantless and leaving her alone is what eventually worked (full disclosure, she did poop on the floor and even step on it before she figured it out). Bring her in the bathroom when you poop. Have her sit on hers while you sit on yours. But giving kids a little privacy can go a long way. There’s an entire chapter in the book about poop if you’re interested in checking it out.
Give him some words to use in stressful situations.
“I need some space”
“I don’t like that”
Especially if he hasn’t been around other kids a lot. They’re loud. They’ll take what you were playing with. They won’t give you the toy you want. They’re in your space. They’ll run into you. Pack 10+ kids in one room with 1-2 adults and there’s bound to be some chaos.
Teach him to ask for help and vocalize what he needs. Sometimes kids won’t advocate for themselves because they’re so used to the adults in their lives knowing them so well that they anticipate their needs.
Also, I second all the independent stuff from the one poster.