Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I’m intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the “100% never want to have kids” boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I’m not asking for anyone to ridicule me for “fucking up”. I’m asking for advice on the situation I’m in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.
New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.
I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.
I’m another father putting my hand up here for going through the same stuff. Life isn’t like the movies most of the times you don’t have an epiphany moment where it all snaps into place and you turn in to some super hero father. You just go day by day getting through all the shit (god so many diapers) and the pain and the stress and one you realise you’ve all survived and you’re a family.
My wife went through the same feelings of inadequacy because she had to pump too. She couldn’t get the little ratbag to latch. One practical thing that I did was talk up how awesome it was for me that she was pumping because it let me take so feeding times. I told her that by letting me be the parent who’s feeding the baby gave the baby time to bond with me.It took me a couple months.
Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours.
So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can’t take care of the kid.
Also, stop doing chores. If it isn’t necessary to live, it isn’t necessary to do.
There’s nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don’t and it is a bit overplayed by people.
Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.
As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.
But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.
Yeah. Definitely trying to quell at least the outward if not inward resentment. I don’t hate the kid, I just have no “natural feelings” from what I’m reading, by 3-6 months when they start to resemble a person, it gets better, so I guess I’ll bank on that for now
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.
It’s not so much of a dad-vs-mom thing, tbh.
For me it was super easy to connect to our kids especially when they were tiny. I loved carrying them around all the time, the cuddling, them being as cute as they are. My wife really hated being touched all the time and she couldn’t connect with them at all in the beginning, especially with our second one.
I started having more and more trouble with the kids when they got old enough to have a mind of their own, especially with our first kid who was and is much more than just a handful. My wife gets along much better with the kids once they are able to talk and able to take more care of themselves.
Some people just connect with the small ones better, some can handle them better when they get bigger. Some then start having issues with them in puberty, while some really manage to connect at that time. It’s not a gender thing at all.
Thank you for that perspective, it is comforting to hear.
First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you’ll have a moment to breathe.
The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.
I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don’t think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.
By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.
Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right?
Oh boy
Yeah - this isn’t a puppy you decided to get. You made the decision to bring a human into this world and now you’re complaining it is hard and you never wanted it?!
Seriously seek some help, else get out of the picture before you make it worse for the child.
I mean tbh yeah but i dont think you can say that in this sub. The guy already knows he fucked up. Hes at least making an effort to unfuck his up. Better late than never
Honestly, I read it like OP wanted pity points.
I’m typing this as my 15 month old is falling asleep in my arms for the ‘night’ (she’ll wake up in 3 hours for the midnight snack).
OP, get yourself some counseling. If you didn’t feel like you wanted kids, you should have been up front with your wife. That child is now brought into the world and you need to nut up and put your wants and desires on the back burner.
Like others have said better than me, get your village helping you. The first several months are rough, and your wife and child need support, and so do you. Then, when things ease (and they will), maybe you can get out for an afternoon. But don’t whine about how your wife isn’t doing anything.
Taking notes. Thanks for the help
Didnt figure it was neccassary. I was far from the first to respond. That… is not a great outlook for such an important decision though, as you have realised.
Also, for what it’s worth, having read your othwrs comments, it really does seem like you are going to make a good father. In the end, dedication is far more important than any fleeting emotion. You might connect with them, you might not. That’s a gamble that might never pay off for you. But the fact that are you willing to put in the dedication even without feeling that attachment is admirable, and is a neccassary trait for a father. You are not a bad father, you made an ill thought out choice, not neccassarily even a mistake until you deem it so. So long as your continued choice, regardless of the circumstances, is dedication, the odds increase every day that the child will connect with you regaurdless of whether you connect with them. And thats whats important now. You are their father first and foremost, and you are currently doing a sound job maintaining that. As for your wife, I don’t really have any advice. I’m sure you’ve already heard or thought of any thing I could tell you you shouldve done, or shouldve told her. It sounds like you’ve already exhausted my ideas for things you can do to help her. I hate to sound unempathetic, but I don’t really know what else to say.
You started your post by saying you didn’t want kids. That’s why you’re struggling. Your wife made you go against your values and now you have a huge responsibility.
His wife didn’t ‘make him’ do anything. He’s a grown-ass man.
Lol ok, bud.
I felt similarly to you, wasn’t really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.
Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.
I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It’s frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you’re supposed to feel a certain way when you don’t. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don’t regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.
Not necessarily at 3 weeks, it is so intensely stressful at the start. Crying is designed to make you feel upset, that is what it evolved for, so that you would check on the baby.
I did feel love for the newborns, but they aren’t fun or anything, they are just babies. You were the same at the start of your life.
Can your wife visit a lactation consultant? I remember my kids falling asleep nursing, is that not normal? They nurse, fall asleep, wake up and are happy for awhile, then cry, nurse, and fall asleep, that’s the whole newborn cycle. I don’t think that means they aren’t getting enough, of the baby was that hungry he’d stay awake long enough to eat enough and remember, the milk in the first few moments has the most fat & calories.
Basically - I would not trust your feelings right now, while sleep deprived and stressed. You may enjoy the baby when it is more enjoyable. Like 2-3 years old is blistering cute, and then they are learning so much you can see it happening, and teenagers are fun and keep you aware of pop culture.
I don’t remember my mom being, well, mom-ish, not very nice when we were little, we weren’t neglected at all she was just never close with us. I asked her about it when I was grown and she said “I don’t like kids.” And I was like “WTF, you had so many kids!” And she said “Well, I like you all now, I knew you’d grow up, you don’t have kids to have kids but to raise people.”. And I guess she has a point. It’s nicer to enjoy the ride, I did, but she didn’t and we were ok.
I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father’s have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.
All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.
Good luck.
For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.
We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.
The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).
So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).
I agree that once they pass the “potato” phase and start behaving like humans, it becomes easier to connect and like them.
That being said, OP and his wife should go to therapy together. It could be that he feels drained from having to be there all the time, and they need to talk this over before it becomes a problem. Maybe OP’s not feeling apathy, but exhaustion.
Yeah, i agree that could be helpful, but if OP is already feeling like they’re not able to do what they want to then it may be a stretch to add (and coordinate their, their partner’s, both parties’ work if in the US, and potentially a sitter’s schedules) may be asking too much.
At that age, there is almost certainly a lot of exhaustion (which doesn’t do great things for apathy itself) so I’m sure thats a part of it.
Shifting the goal posts banking on this. Every time I said something like “they’re not real people until you can start communicating with them” i caught a bunch of flack. Glad I’m not the only one. People always asked me if I wanted to meet their 8wk old baby and I saw no point to it.
They go through a bunch of phases in the first three years:
- houseplant (need to be watered and fed, don’t interact much),
- blind kitten (need to be fed, not in control of movements, don’t really interact, can move)
- kitten - can move and interact, not really in control of actions.
- Puppy - can interact, likes playing, not in control of emotions, can move
- drunk troll - likes moving, vaguely understands what’s happening, gets upset for weird reasons, starting to express love towards you, destroys things for fun/frustration
And then they start getting more like people. It’s easier to interact with them. As they get closer to creatures we understand, it will be easier to love them.
Good luck. It gets easier and better.
I’ll tell you the part you don’t want to hear: You compromised with your wife. Compromises suck. But they are better than no compromises. Having a child is the ultimate commitment.
Here’s the good news: the hardest part is behind you. Tough it out for a bit more. Everyday will get just a bit easier. New borns are not very interactive, so it’s kinda normal to not enjoy this part. Maybe you’ll get more out of it when the child starts smiling at you, or talking to you, or taking an interest in your hobby. Maybe not.
Also, you could be suffering from baby blues. It’s common, even at three weeks. Consider some support for yourself, not just your wife.
I’m with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.
my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.
it sounds like you’re both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.
communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can’t do it alone and will need to do this together.
- take each day at a time
- it’s ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you’re feeling overwhelmed
- share how you’re feeling with your wife, you’re a team after all
- you will fuck up, accept it, you’re human and it comes with the territory
- don’t try to be a “super dad/mom”, they don’t exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying
Disclaimer: I don’t have kids. Feel free to ignore.
As far as I know, this is not that rare. Maybe you could go a more practical route. It’s not obligatory to have lots of instincts kick in, but it is expected that you take care of the kid. It is however likely that after a while that you’ll get some neat experiences with the kid. Funny episodes. After a while they might even turn into a good friend.
Anyway. Hats off to you. Good luck
