New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. I would add to this: if you don’t feel ready for kids, don’t have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.
I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.
Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.
Sorry dude, but you’ve basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don’t really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won’t go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.
Probably also should wonder if the child will enjoy any part of its life. Being born is a consentless act.
You started your post by saying you didn’t want kids. That’s why you’re struggling. Your wife made you go against your values and now you have a huge responsibility.
I don’t care for people in their larval stages either. I’ve never found babies cute and the sound of crying makes me angry, not sympathetic
What is fun though, is experiencing the world fresh through their eyes as they get older and develop the ability to communicate, and shifting some goals and focus to create great experiences for them
5 kids is fucking crazy though especially in the world today, Jesus
It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.
Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.
Antidepressants changed my life. Please ask a doctor for the form awe if your qualify
This was my first thought. This sounds like more of an issue for a shrink than Lemmy.
First, get some help. If your mom can come and just do something, anything then you’ll have a moment to breathe.
The first three weeks are the absolute hardest. Its not that things get magically easier, just everyone involved levels up. It gets easier again at 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months and then their personality really starts to shine.
I felt something right away. Definitely peak experience. But I don’t think it helped with the difficulty of the first three weeks. What did help is the in-laws coming for a couple of weeks after the first month.
By month three, sleep was still an issue, but things were much, much easier.
Get help. Get a meal train. Prioritize and let the less important things go.
The first few months kind of suck. No one likes being sleep deprived. And they don’t do anything yet, so at best you have something kind of cute to look at, when it isn’t screaming
thanks for the heads up, gotta buy condoms bye
Believe it or not, that’s not an uncommon feeling. Evolutionary wise, there’s no particular reason for the dad to bond with the baby. It’s completely dependent on mum. What we get is often a spillover for the drive to get mum to bond.
I was lucky and had that bond kick in quite quickly, but it’s ok if it doesn’t. Likely it will kick in around 6 months, as the baby becomes more “interesting”. Until then, be a good husband.
It’s also worth noting that you are entering peak “emergency mode”. Right now the baby is completely dependent on you. It hasn’t settled down into a routine, and you are running low on sleep. They combine to utterly screw with your head.
The mentality that got me through that zone was this: mum looks after the baby, I look after mum. I made sure she had regular meals. That she had time for a shower. That she could have a coherent night sleep.
Something that might help is to sniff your baby’s head. Babies put off powerful pheromones, designed to reinforce the bonds. Unfortunately, not everyone has active pheromone receptors. If you do though, that smell is like crack cocaine.
In short, you’re doing well. Baby is safe and cared for, and you’re doing your share of that work. Anything else is a bonus.
I’ve been smelling it knowing that’s a thing. It does have a distinct smell to it that developed after ~2 weeks but it’s not triggering anything for me. It’s neither good nor bad unless he has shat himself.
That’s ok, not everyone gets that hit. A significant number of people (I want to say around 20%) don’t have the nerve connecting their pheromone receptors to their brain. It sounds like you are in that group.
The bond will still form, it will just be later, and based on interactions, rather than hormonal. It’ll be worth it eventually. Just focus on being a good dad, even if it’s just by rote. It’ll come.
I’m with you dude. it does get better in many ways. it gets worse in some others.
my advice, get medicated for anxiety and/or depression.
it sounds like you’re both going through a pretty rough time and need some time to breathe. lean on your support for some time alone with your wife to find your confidence together as a couple.
communicate your needs to each other clearly and respectfully. you both can’t do it alone and will need to do this together.
- take each day at a time
- it’s ok to put the baby down in the crib and step away for a minute if you’re feeling overwhelmed
- share how you’re feeling with your wife, you’re a team after all
- you will fuck up, accept it, you’re human and it comes with the territory
- don’t try to be a “super dad/mom”, they don’t exist and anyone who says otherwise is lying
It gets better, I really didn’t connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It’s tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right?
Oh boy
Yeah - this isn’t a puppy you decided to get. You made the decision to bring a human into this world and now you’re complaining it is hard and you never wanted it?!
Seriously seek some help, else get out of the picture before you make it worse for the child.
I mean tbh yeah but i dont think you can say that in this sub. The guy already knows he fucked up. Hes at least making an effort to unfuck his up. Better late than never
Honestly, I read it like OP wanted pity points.
I’m typing this as my 15 month old is falling asleep in my arms for the ‘night’ (she’ll wake up in 3 hours for the midnight snack).
OP, get yourself some counseling. If you didn’t feel like you wanted kids, you should have been up front with your wife. That child is now brought into the world and you need to nut up and put your wants and desires on the back burner.
Like others have said better than me, get your village helping you. The first several months are rough, and your wife and child need support, and so do you. Then, when things ease (and they will), maybe you can get out for an afternoon. But don’t whine about how your wife isn’t doing anything.
Taking notes. Thanks for the help
Also, for what it’s worth, having read your othwrs comments, it really does seem like you are going to make a good father. In the end, dedication is far more important than any fleeting emotion. You might connect with them, you might not. That’s a gamble that might never pay off for you. But the fact that are you willing to put in the dedication even without feeling that attachment is admirable, and is a neccassary trait for a father. You are not a bad father, you made an ill thought out choice, not neccassarily even a mistake until you deem it so. So long as your continued choice, regardless of the circumstances, is dedication, the odds increase every day that the child will connect with you regaurdless of whether you connect with them. And thats whats important now. You are their father first and foremost, and you are currently doing a sound job maintaining that. As for your wife, I don’t really have any advice. I’m sure you’ve already heard or thought of any thing I could tell you you shouldve done, or shouldve told her. It sounds like you’ve already exhausted my ideas for things you can do to help her. I hate to sound unempathetic, but I don’t really know what else to say.
Didnt figure it was neccassary. I was far from the first to respond. That… is not a great outlook for such an important decision though, as you have realised.
As a fellow dad, the shit is hard. Very much social media make it hard, but there is a general misnomer that having kids is a bundle of joy. It’s f’n hard, and no one tells you that. The first is especially hard as you have no reference. Like you when my children were born i did not have an immediate attachment. In fact it felt like a new responsibility/task. And like you i just went through the motions - to survive. But over time “bonding moments” will occur and the power of those moments, over time, will be more than you can imagine. And it may not be the big things like walking or talking but some little thing like him catching a fish, singing one of your songs with you or unintentionally using one of your phrases or mannerisms. Your story has some similarities to mine so a couple suggestions.
- if the baby isn’t latching or feeding “normally” encourage your wife not to fight it. The idea that only breast feeding creates this unbreakable bond is horse shit. It’s the dynamic you have over the next 25 years that matters. Pump, bottle feed, and take care of yourselves. Like others have said, and its the absolute truth, you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. There is a great book that all parents should read called “Kids Are Assholes”, and infants are no different. Your son may be an asshole when it comes to feeding/eating. But he may be awesome in telling his mom he loves her every night.
- Mom’s mental health is very important and very complicated. The chemical cocktail her body has been and is providing her is a real “doozy”. Provide as much emotional support you can (without sapping yourself) and continue to encourage counseling. These people are experienced in this situation (its your first time through it) and they guide and listen.
- If there is one thing that I hope sticks with you and wish I had done for myself was to talk with a counselor. It is unbelievably helpful to have someone to get stuff off your chest. It’s not your broken or can’t handle it - its simply having someone to vent to and likely providing you some feedback / perspective that actually makes you feel better about the situation.
Parenting is f’n hard. But there are some rewards along the way that are irreplicable and make your life more fulfilling than it would be otherwise.
