Every day, all day, I have to lie to clients at work and tell them I’m good. I’m far from good and lying about it constantly is killing me.
I’m incredibly lonely and almost everything I usually enjoy feels like a goddamn chore.
Anyone else here feel like that? If so, how do y’all cope?
Just stop treating it as communication. It’s a symbolic protocol that means “hello”. It’s a handshake.
And don’t rely on your clients to be the ones you open up to. Join a men’s group or a women’s circling group, so you have someone to communicate with.
I just stopped saying I’m fine. It’s actually pretty fun to make things awkward. My best situations are usually “been better” and I’m usually more like “pretty shitty, my guy”. People who didn’t mean to ask will just wish me well but the best are when people agree with you and you go on a rant about shitty people for a half hour.
I use “Getting by. We’re all just getting by.” I usually get a reply like, “Ain’t that the truth.” More real, and it invites an attitude of being in it together.
Arrive at work.
Coworker asks, “How are you?”
I respond, “Well, I’m here.”
Coworker nods knowingly.
In Ireland it’s common to say “not too bad”
I grew up in a cult. I learned real quick that the only answer is “I’m fine thanks”. any negativity implied I was out of gods favor and that I was being punished for sinning. So seeking help only ever lead to inquisitorial shit.
My response is:
Good, as long as I don’t think about it.
You can say other things. Good. It’s been better. I’m alive. Just keep it short.
The horrors persist, but so do I.
Cthulu lives (runs away)
Have you considered ego death? Abandon concepts like being polite or not rocking the boat. Do something you think might be enjoyable because you can and laugh off others who don’t understand. Life is too short to be normal.
Life is a sandbox game and nowhere it says you need to play it like other people do. I look at the lives of the “average person” and I don’t want what they have so I also don’t see why I should do what they do and expect a different outcome. Ofcourse one doesn’t just choose to not care about what others think - it’s not that easy, but there are small steps you can take towards it that you can do every day.
For example: I like looking at things. Virtually every day I notice something and go: “what is that?” A normal person would maybe look at it while walking by without stopping but not me. I’m the guy others walk by wondering what the hell is he doing. Just yesterday there was this fascinating chain mail curtain that a store uses to close in the cashier window at night and I spent a solid 2 minutes there twiddling with it while the staff was wondering if I’m going to buy something or not. Nah, I’m just studying this thing here.
No one really wants an accurate answer. It’s just a greeting. Someone says ‘how are you?’ you say ‘grand’ then get on with your day. Same as when someone says ‘what’s happening?’ They don’t want a comprehensive list of your woes and such.
Edit: just found this - https://lemmy.world/post/25032324
Well obviously, but I know that I’m lying and it just reminds me of how I’m shitty like 90% of days.
Then say something different. Same shit different day, surviving for now, whatever. They’ll shrug it off and move on. We all do it. My mom used to say, “it’s a good day. I woke up on the right side of the dirt.”
Could you maybe skip the answer and go directly to asking „how are you?“ back?
If it’s a greeting, then just greet me. “Hey!”, “Good morning”, etc. Don’t ask me a question you don’t want an answer to.
It helps to understand what is being communicated here. It’s not a genuine request for your health status, it’s a friendly greeting. The last thing anyone wants in response to “how are you” is a list of everything that’s wrong with you. If you struggle to cope with replying “fine” or equivalent, refuse to answer the question and respond instead with something like “hi/hello!”. The non-sequitur will jar them for a moment and hopefully they’ll learn not to ask dumb questions.
As this thread demonstrates, there are plenty of ways to say “I’m doing terrible, actually” without breaking the social contract. If I’m having an awful day, my go-to is “hangin’ in there, how are you?”
The last part is important. Some people don’t want to talk about how you’re doing (maybe they don’t have the emotional bandwidth at the moment, maybe they’re in a hurry, maybe they just don’t care) so give them an out, a clear signal of something else they can discuss without seeming rude. The easiest way is to return the question, but you can also just jump into the imminent topic of conversation, like:
“How are you?”
“Keeping on keeping on. Hey, just wanted to reach out about that thing on page 4, do you have a minute?”
Or if they started the conversation and you don’t know what it’s about, there’s always “Takin’ it one day at a time, eh? What can I do for you?”
The biggest “risk” of this approach is that someone may offer sympathy or ask you what happened, which is a whole new set of protocols. But for me it’s worth it to not have to lie.
Then stop lying about it :
“Hey, how you doin’?”
" Everything’s bad, as usual, thanks"
Or
“Just as bad as yesterday, thanks, what about you?”
Or
“… next question?”
If it’s a client and can’t afford to be awkward, just say say
“Just another day”
And if people ask for more details but you don’t want to talk about it, just say :
“Just having a bad day”
Or
“Nothing good happened yet”
Or
“Nothing out of the ordinary”
Or just make up your honest but polite answers
I feel like it would be really interesting to see what would happen if everyone started doing this at once, but as it stands it’d just make things more complicated for yourself.
Well, I actually do this for real 😅
After the second or third time a coworker (or family member) asks me how I’m doing and gets the “just as bad as usual” response, they just laugh and move on 😂
You must be a hit at parties.
Yep OP should get out of their misery cycle by at least sharing a little of the misery they feel. Could be helpful.
If I’m having a crappy day especially at work my answer is "Another day another dollar, how about you? "
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: good afternoon.
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: is it Friday yet? asking for a friend.
Client: Hi, how are you today? You: I’m surviving, it beats the alternative (fake chuckle) , what can I do for you today?
Client Hi, how are you today? You: Fluffy, he was my anchor, my pivot, the only thing in life worth living… Nah, I’m just fucking with ya. You’re here, I’m here, lets get shit done.
I’ve been going with “surviving” for the last year or so. It’s about as good as I can confess to myself most days. I agree with you in that “good thanks”, you? Feels you close to lying for my morals on my bad days.
Lying in general wears me down, but if I told a client or passer-by how I’m actually doing I’d be drugged out of my mind in a padded room by the end of the week. Occasionally I “squeak by” with a “Any day above ground, right?” This can’t be healthy.
Personally, I’ve come to despise the “How’re you?” greeting — it feels like it normalizes impersonal interactions and encourages the behavior of masking one’s emotions. When someone asks “How are you?” I want that sentence to actually carry the emotional weight that it verbally masquerades. So, if someone says “How are you?”, I just respond with a generic greeting like “Hi”.
genuinely great answer. thanks.
genuinely great answer. […]
Thank you 😊
[…] thanks.
You’re welcome 😊
