I (22M) grew up in a rural-adjacent suburb where the culture was complete dogwater. My dad openly fantasized about committing violence against minority groups ever since I was a young child, and he constantly threatened to kill me if I ever turned out to be gay. The public school I went to was full of bullies who singled me out for being emotional and therefore easy to pick on.
I never turned out to be gay, but I did turn out to be very gentle and emotional. In my natural state, I want to be sweet and caring and talk in a higher-pitched, softer manner. I love cute things, I love making people happy, and I love fantasizing about big strong women who will protect and care for me.
I have had very few opportunities to express myself. Various factors like disabilities and my older brother surveilling me in K-12 school (by using my bullies as a spy network to report every weird thing I did) made it impossible to express myself without being abused at home for it.
In recent years, I have been able to spend some limited time on my own without constant surveillance. The people I’ve talked to, typically from chatting with people at various appointments I’ve been dropped off at, seem to have a very laissez-faire “be yourself” attitude and don’t seem very interested in persecuting weirdos like me. One of them even corrected me for accidentally saying something politically incorrect. This wasn’t even that close to the city—this was adjacent to the new suburbs that my family moved to recently.
Still, it’s hard to shake off a decade of paranoia about getting found out and beaten for being, in my dad’s words, a “pansy”. I keep stopping myself from expressing any kind of emotion in public for fear of what will happen to me. Tomorrow is the first time I get to visit my city proper, which is said to be fairly progressive and has big pride parades every year (around 1 million people turn out). And yet, I keep telling myself that I can’t because some fascist goon could be watching and signal to all of the other fascist goons to jump me.
Is it safe to just be me now, or do I still have to be very careful about when and where to express myself? I’m so tired, honestly. I just want to be allowed to exist for once in my life.
I think yes, generally it is more acceptable in bigger cities to “be yourself” than it is in rural areas. I believe that’s because it’s simply more diverse when you have more people, so you tend to grow up to be more accepting, most of the time, not always.
I (33F) grew up in a big city and moved out to the country as an adult, and the differences that you see, I also see. I was raised to love and accept everyone for who they are and now I’m surrounded by co-workers and neighbors who are consistently just waiting for the brown people to leave the room so they can talk shit and be mean. Its disgusting and I hate it here.
Yeah I think nowhere will be 100% free of bigots that think the world revolves around them. But the way I see it, it’s just easier to disappear into the crowd in cities. You’re going to be seeing and walking past a hundred different faces in a day.
Whereas in a small town or village, you’re going to be seeing the same people over and over. And those same people you’ll be seeing over and over usually consist of pearl clutching retirees and people that barely ever left their home town in their lives and who live in a small world (but of course still think they know everything about everything). And to your point, those kinds of people tend to think that their specific culture is the default and ‘normal’ and that everyone else in the world is wrong and a heretic.
As someone that is dying to be more GNC on a daily basis, I know that I’m not comfortable in this small town where even the hobos down the road know me personally by now.
In my city is not safe to be gender conforming. The queer gangs rove at night.
I would watch this movie.
That’s what my estrogen dealer told me as well
I’d say in the U.S., no one will even notice in New Orleans, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Miami, maybe Chicago and NYC but a place like Dallas or Jacksonville would be less tolerant. A place in the northeast like Boston or DC would be culturally less permissive but you’d be safe. They’re tolerant but have a puritan history (Boston) or are culturally sort of conformist (DC), for lack of a better term. DC is very much not hostile but it’s small-c conservative in the sense that everyone wears suits to work and it’s not counter-culture.
I live in New Orleans and am cishet — so don’t take my word for it — but even my “boring” high school friends own multiple dresses because of Mardi Gras and Red Dress Run and events like that. No one cares about gender conformity here but drive more than a hour away and it can get unsafe quick.
I can’t speak for coastal California but I’ve been there a bunch and it seems similar. No one is even gonna notice in San Francisco. It’s just expensive as fuck.
Most urban centers — especially coastal ones — are pretty chill about it in 2025, I would say. But you should ask residents. New Orleans and San Francisco are, in my experience, not even going to notice. But most cities aren’t actively hostile. If you prefer suburban life, I’d look at college towns.
Definitely Chicago. We’re a very queer-friendly city!
In the US? I’d say it’s pretty safe to be a little gender nonconforming unless you’re really out in the sticks. If you were properly nonbinary I would be a little more careful, but still most people will live and let live.
As a trans person, we have a lot more to fear from the federal government than from our neighbors, at least in ~80% of the country.
I find that completely shocking.
When I lived in the south I knew 150% that as a brown person the only hope I had for safety and any human rights was from the federal government.
Depends on the city. I live in San Francisco, and honestly I see almost as many gender nonconforming people out and about as I do gender conforming. There are trans flags waving all over the place. A few years ago a bunch of Trumpers tried to have a rally in Oakland and people threw stuff at them until they left lol
As a trans person who just escaped NYC, not in the US. Even in a “blue” city (though NYC is run by Trumpers).
It used to be safe but it’s only getting worse by the day
Lots of people saying it is not safe. Don’t let that stop you being you, there are still lots of people being their true selves, find them and you will be fine.
