Edit: Oh geez. I guess I might’ve just gotten worked up on just the stigma. Hell, I wonder if I gave it to her now. I’ve slept around way more than her.
Edit 2: I cut out the whole long story because I’m a bit embarrassed to have overthought it so much and I guess it’s not really relevant. I’ll leave the post up so maybe other anxious people can see the responses.
The spark notes version is: I loved a girl and let her go and when she came back, she and I worried about her having herpes.
66% of people have oral herpes
13% of people have genital herpes
Then you have someone give their partner head and no one can tell which kind of herpes they have without tests, because as far as I know they supposedly present the same.
Doesn’t like everyone and their cat have herpes?
I actually don’t have it all. I don’t even get cold sores. But I meant genital herpes.
They meant that most people who have herpes don’t know it. It’s very common to have it and never have noticeable symptoms. You can find it with a blood test, but most doctors won’t give you the test because, what’s the point?
67% of the world population has HSV1 and 13% of the world population has HSV2. HSV1 is usually oral, but can cause genital herpes HSV2 is usually genital but can also cause oral herpes. That’s 80% of the population so yeah pretty much everyone in their cat. Also, cats can get herpes but that’s a different thing.
Oh that makes sense, I kinda remember hearing about that before. I didn’t ask which kind she had and I’m not sure if there’s a significant difference. I must’ve glossed over that stuff, since I was more focused on figuring out the risk. I just remember learning in school that it was a cause for concern and she’s very insecure about it and she takes daily antivirals. I figured if you need medicine, it must be bad. I guess it could just be good old abstinence fear mongering propaganda. I’ll have to read more thoroughly.
It can be bad for some people. They take antivirals. Those aren’t without their own risks.
Life is not without risks. You could leave this opportunity on the table because of the risk and catch it from a one night stand who didn’t even know they had it. What then?
I ultimately don’t think I would’ve left it on the table. For better or for worse, I’m pretty stubborn and reckless when strong emotions are involved. I was kinda hoping people would say it’s fine, which seems to essentially be the case.
I would be more concerned with the people who don’t disclose it more than the person being responsible about it. Most people who have HSV2 don’t know they have it because:
- they’re asymptomatic
- shedding can occur when asymptomatic and they got it from someone who didn’t know they had it
- most routine std panels do not include herpes, even if sold as a “complete” panel
- some blood tests are less accurate for herpes (antibody is more accurate).
- Testing is only recommended by drs if symptomatic or if you suspect exposure. But if you are not symptomatic then some drs view this as a ethical dilemma due to the psychological and emotional harm a false positive can cause for a lifelong and incurable disease
This article is worth a read if you haven’t already.
Anyway, to answer your question, yes, i would(and am in one). I don’t want to tell you how to feel but for me it’s not a big deal.
It’s ridiculous that we don’t have a cure or at least a vaccine for Herpes at this point. Some scientists believe it’s a major contributor to Alzheimer’s.
I wouldn’t give two shits about it. It’s not a life threatening disease or anything even if you catch it, and hardly ever breaks out, especially when medicated. And if it does, it’s gone after a week.
I’d probably not even bother with condoms if it’s a long term commitment.
No. It’s life threatening to me since I’m on immunosuppressants.
Wow, that is quite the story. I have struggled with this question and how I would feel on either side of the equation. As a person who grew up in the conservative 90s who became a more balanced and freethinking person, I still have what might be an irrationally strong fear of STDs. This fear combined with religious conditioning around relationships kind of fucked up high school and early college for me. I was supposed to be boning the entire cheer leading team and I was learning about how angry Jesus was at my impure fantasies. My late 20s and 30s have been a lot better, but I still have a really hard time gaging risks and deciding how I feel about them so I tend to err on the side of being overly careful and miss a lot potentially great experiences with people. I think getting tested with a new partner is always wise.
One of the other commenters said “a lifetime of pills and difficult conversations”. That’s one of the scary places my mind might go to, but you could still reframe it as “I’m going to have get better at communicating needs and boundaries in my relationships, especially early on”. That sounds less scary and more fulfilling. I still would like to avoid getting infected.
On a positive note, the fact that she was upfront and honest about it is a good sign. I’d tread carefully but if I really meshed well with the person abd saw a medium/long term future for us, I would probably try to figure something out to make myself more comfortable in the short term, like asking her to confirm she took her meds and using protection. If she cares about you and you make it about your feelings and not blaming her.
Lastly, none of us are perfect and you might have a few oddities she doesn’t find particularly pleasant. Rejecting her for something that she can’t change could make her feel like she’s “not good enough” or “damaged” and even if you guys don’t shaboink I wouldn’t want a friend or crush to feel that way. That’s the shit her ex did. I think it would be better to tell her how you feel about her (positive) and express that your apprehensive about the herpes thing.
Sorry for the wall of text. Thought about it a lot thanks to church school.
You, her, and I seem to have pretty similar backgrounds. Although my church was more about “love thy neighbor” than penitence and punishment.
Upon further, clearer headed reading, it seems like it’s actually not as big a deal as we were raised to believe.
As far as her intentions go, I’m not really concerned about that much. I don’t turn anyone away, that’s just not who I am. I was just anxious writing this and a bit of my paranoia spilled out. I have no real reason to doubt her intentions, just trauma from people I should’ve doubted more.
I wanted to date a girl that had it in college so I just talked to her about it, come to find out it’s not that big of a deal.
Not because of them, no. If disclosed up front and actively working to keep from sharing them I’d be OK with it.
Yeah, who gives a fuck? more people have it than don’t.
I’ve you have ever made out with someone, you are already likely a carrier even if you aren’t showing symptoms of any sort. It’s actually on the rarer side for there to be active sores.
