I (22M, American) was raised by a conservative family and taught traditional gender roles. I was told multiple times that that “gay” men (men who didn’t conform to traditional masculine gender expression) were ruining society and literally deserved to die, and that people out in the real world do the dirty work of disposing of them through stochastic violence.
Unfortunately, I turned out almost exactly how I wasn’t supposed to. I wanted to embody a cute and delicate masculinity, my true personality was caring, affectionate, and emotional, and I loved cute and pretty things. Ironically, I was so in love with feminine energy that I developed an emotionally intense heterosexual attraction to women, though in a way that was nothing like the typical straight model.
Long story short, I faced an entire childhood of ridicule and isolation and eventually developed an autoimmune disease with disabilities as a souvenir. I wanted to take my own life, but the Internet existed, so I numbed myself with endless slop content instead.
The progressive side of the Internet taught me that there are a lot of ways of being beyond the “conform or fucking die” model I was raised with. I learned that a minority of women actually could be attracted to me despite my utter disregard for the manliness rules, something I was blackpilled on before.
But I am still too scared to leave home. It is hard to motivate myself to do anything because the source of my fulfillment is to make people happy, but I can’t meet anyone because I’m frozen in fear. I still feel like everyone will hate me for being too feminine, and that the occasional stray vigilante will try to put a bullet in me. Even if I could defend myself, it feels too risky: I have to win every single time, while they only have to win once. On top of that, I am now visibly disabled, so I have to deal with ableism on top of everything else.
I can’t function this way. I’m not motivated to take care of myself or put effort into online college because I see no point to life if I can’t be social and authentic IRL. I literally just want to make people smile and feel cared for, but it feels like I’m too alien for people outside of a progressive echo chamber to accept me, and life will be full of constant gender policing, harassment, and threats of violence (especially because this is the U.S. we’re talking about). The most productive day of my life happened when I thought for a moment that I had a chance, but I fell back into my old habits once I started having doubts again.
It could be worth noting that I live in central Ohio, somewhat close to the city, so it’s not like I live in the middle of a rural hellscape. I also saw a non-binary androgynous person working at a clinic the other day, which seems like a good sign? I went to school in a more rural area, but of all of the people who seemed to like me, most of them were closer to the city.
If you have faced a similar situation, how did you make it through?
I’m also in central Ohio.
You need to get out into public. Start small, just little steps. Go someplace that attracts a diverse crowd, buy a coffee and leave. One Line would be perfect. Dip a toe, try more later.
Get the same coffee and then take it to goodale park. Watch the chaos of unleashed dogs and note that nearly nobody is looking at you.
You will come to realize that leaning into that fear is paralyzing. Most people don’t pay mind to others unless you give them a reason to. If you want to just blend in, it is wildly easy.
If you need a sherpa for your early expeditions, let me know. I’m a jobless bum right now and have time on my hands.
Not trying to dismiss you here at all, but my genuine advice is to get some therapy and not take advice about serious stuff like this from strangers online.
Hey, it’s me, the you that grew up in Kansas!
I’m 32 this year and I can tell you first hand that it’s not as bad as it looks. I’m so comically flamboyant and feminine that the trans girls at the high school I worked at were coming to me for hair care and outfit advice, never once have I been threatened by some ass backwards bigot. I even spent my mid 20’s hitting on them whenever they creeped on my gal pals.
Despite teeth like a meth house, ears I can glide with, and the worst case of psoriasis one dermatologist ever saw, my guy friends were always baffled by how my geek ass could land some of the women I dated. The answer is that intense heterosexual love you feel. Every partner I’ve ever had has been genuinely wholly the focus of my affections and they feel that.
Now I’m married to a fem presenting Non binary who’s not sure if she can call herself ace anymore now that she enjoys sex. I don’t care what she calls herself, she’s my person and I wake up next to her and grin like a loon.
Sorry for the life story, but my point is that guys like us can make it out there. It can be rocky, especially when it comes to unpacking the damage, but you can thrive. Get your ass to that city, reach out to friends and make some new ones along the way. Don’t let anyone tell you not to be you.
Hit me up in the DMS, I’d be happy to add you on Discord. You sound fantastic
You and your partner sound awesome. Just wanted to say though that enjoying sex has absolutely nothing to do with being ace. There’s lots of us that like it and many others who feel neutral or repulsed by it. You can enjoy the cake without craving any specific cake, and that’s just as valid as the person who doesn’t crave the cake and don’t want to eat it.
That’s exactly how we’ve been playing it. I’m not one to pick at peoples titles, all I care is she’s happy.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else. You’re an adult now in an adult world where everyone else has their own stuff going on. Can you remember the personality of the 2nd to last random person that held a door open for you?
Our insignificance gives you permission to be who you want to be and the freedom to do whatever you want. No one thinks more about you than you do. Your experience with your family left a strong impression on you about the world you’re in, but that’s their experiences not yours. It’s now your time to have your own & build a worldview on your terms as you. No one has the authority to tell you to act a certain way. You are who you are & everyone else will have to just deal with it if they have a problem. It sounds like the only person attacking you right now is you.
Learn how to make small talk. Read How to Win Friends & Influence People and pick out the tricks you think would work.
Real talk, no one out in public cares what you do or how you act until you inconvenience them. If you mind your manners, you’re just an NPC to everyone else.
True until you’re visibly disabled. People can’t handle being reminded life isn’t fair, and they take it out on you.
I identify as somewhat effeminate compared to most other men. I’m not gay or bi, I just don’t like most “macho” culture stuff like sports, fighting, hunting and generally being belligerent evolutionary dead-ends in groups.
I have a wife and son. Sometimes I carry her purse for her in public. Sometimes she’ll paint one of my nails for fun and I let her. Because it is.
It took me a long time to come to grips with myself and to accept myself that particular way, but I’d say I’m doing just a little bit better with that every day.
But it does put your social life in “hard mode” imho. It would be so much easier if I could be as enthousiastic about a piece of pigskin being kicked a certain distance but unfortunately I’m not easily impressed by feats our tree-slinging ancestors would easily destroy all of us in if push came to shove.
I think that’s just the natural range of masculinity. Unfortunately, culture has evolved to focus on one extreme and ignore the other. If you happen to naturally gravitate towards “the wrong end of the spectrum”, you’ll run into some problems that shouldn’t even exist in the first place.
My partner is very much in your boat. At home and any time we go out to “safe” spaces (like queer spaces) he is very open and absolutely enjoys himself. We got pedicures the other day and he had sparkly blue toenails for like a week and loved it.
Unfortunately, he works in the auto industry and we live in a more conservative area, so whenever we’re not in a “safe” space, I can 100% see him reverting to a more “hardened” version of himself. I know it’s just self-preservation, but I can see (and he knows) how much happier he is when he doesn’t have to be that way. It really sucks and I wish I could help him out of his shell a bit more, but I totally understand the shitty circumstances.
The patriarchy hurts every single one of us.
I don’t have any advice for you, unfortunately. But I wanted to say that you’re brave for asking for help and putting this out in the open - this is not as easy as one might think. Just know that you are loved and that you matter.
Sending you lots of love and power. It’ll get better, I’m sure of it. 💜
You’re totally fine how you are, the stigma you feel is 100% from your dumb ass family.
Effeminate men like us are inevitable.
I’ve always got on better with women than men. Always found more enjoyment in typically female pastimes. Decided not to show my power level. Never been happy with myself or my life as a result. I never enjoyed being something I’m not and all the friendships I made were based on a lie. Now at almost twice your age I figured out that maybe I was exposed to a wee bit much estrogen in utero. And that the reason I was infinitely more comfortable in the presence of women is because (at least mentally) I am one.
People always misunderstand gender as something that is either solely biological sex or solely a societal construct. There are actually a ton of weird endocrine, genetic, epigenetic, and environmental factors that contribute to the baseline state of the brain. All things considered it makes perfect sense that gender would be a spectrum of states with clusters around male and female. You should read a bit about it. Even if you aren’t some sort of atypical gender it’d still be interesting. And you might find that the LGBTQ community is more accepting of your unique brand of masculinity. Even before my revelation most of my friends were some flavour of queer, just because they’re largely nice people.
Also I grew up rurally (I’m pretty sure more rural than 99.9% of people here) and the people back home are largely fine with queer folk if they know them personally. Like a family member came out as bisexual and didn’t loose any friends over it. And it’s a really small place so if one person knows, everyone knows. I’m not going to assume it’s like that everywhere though. One key difference is that my particular rural community is approx 70% atheist.
But yeah make gay friends and look into the whole gender thing. It’s perfectly normal to question these things.
I want to start by acknowledging where you’re located. It’s getting worse for gender nonconforming people for certain, however the Columbus area is one of the best parts of any red state to be gender nonconforming. You aren’t the only feminine straight guy around.
I’m a trans woman who came out while living in suburban ohio years ago. I’ve lived in multiple parts of the state and I’ve worked in places you probably shouldn’t go with a face that probably shouldn’t’ve been there. You’re an adult now and what that means is that you aren’t nearly as powerless to stop abuse as you once were. Carry pepper spray or something similar, and if people give you shit leave, but the worst that should happen is dirty looks. But I’ll say you may also find yourself getting more flattering looks if you take care of your appearance.
Also get tough. I hate to have to say it but it’s true. Thick skin is very valuable
I’m wierder than most, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt.
First, the fact you are reaching out, even like this, is a good start. Don’t let the urge die if you can keep it up.
As for next steps, find your people. Is there someone out there who you see ‘speaking truth?’ Do they have a community? Find it. (People on here can help to a certain extent if you are willing to share, which I know can be a bit scary online)
What about your other interests? Do you game? There are communities for that. (Famously there are a lot of femboy gamer communities. They aren’t going to hate you for being gender-non-conforming.) There are streamer/youtuber communities. (Check out Phedran, a cool gal with a chill comm. No hate for gender-non-conformers there.) Do you like a particular fandom? Same. Drum circles, writing/reading groups, secular action groups, (you like caring for people? Try volunteering. There’s a ‘Food Not Bombs’ chapter in all the urban centers of Ohio. Even if you only go once a weekbecause of the long drive, you might find your people.) philosophy study groups (special mention: Quarantine Collective, very inclusive but not in a ‘repeat the party slogans’ way) and who knows what else. Do something you love and do it with people.
Is there a local queer community where you are? (coffee shop, bar, whatever) Even if you aren’t gay, you don’t have to take on any particular identity to socialize. The community is usually very welcoming of those who aren’t locked into the old fashioned gender norms, and at the least, aren’t likely to hate you for that kind of BS reason.You have options. Keep the momentum going and grab one.
You’re strong for not masking your whole life. Things will get better (especially once Trump keels over) and you’ll find “your” people. A group of friends who love you for you. Your chosen family. I’m not a feminine male, but we all have our things, and I found my people.
I’m worried for my nephew who is in a similar boat to you at the age of 6. Growing up a sensitive, sweet boy in a bigoted community. I have to have faith that he’s gonna be okay… or he can come live with my family.
Move to a liberal area. Bay area, Portland or Seattle areas. No one cares if you’re fem or masc in west coast cities. Live a happy life.
I can’t say I related to your specific situation but the world you describe doesn’t look like the world I live in at all.
Definitely seek therapy and learn how to accept and love yourself. It reads like you have some self-loathing based off your upbringing that you are projecting onto others when it’s really not the reality
Sorry to hear it’s been so hard for you. If you ever decide to get out of dodge, I’ll speak for all San Franciscans when I say, we’d be happy to have you join our city. I have a very similar personality to what you’re describing and while this area is definitely a bubble, it feels very safe to be yourself and doesn’t have all the macho bullshit I left behind.
And I’m sure all those conservative men lie their asses off because unless they do, the only pussy they will get is a fleshlight.
