Regular reminder that being an asshole is not a symptom of any form of neurodivergence. (You can replace “neurodivergent” with depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc. and the diagram works equally well)
ETA: social faux pas, awkwardness, and genuine symptoms of neurodivergence don’t make you an asshole. I shouldn’t have to say this? An “asshole” is someone who enacts a pattern of abusive, controlling, harassing, and/or harmful behavior with no remorse or concern for how other people are affected.
On the other hand, it’s not always something we actively do. If I lose focus on something I was doing with someone or on a conversation, I didn’t do it on purpose, and I literally couldn’t help it. I have definitely been called an asshole for it before, but calling me out on it doesn’t do anything but make me feel like shit cause it happened again, and as I know it always will, I now know you’ll always think I’m being one
There are simply fine lines. One problem I’ve seen is ND once diagnosed using their ND diagnosis as a crutch rather than a tool to understand and work with themselves.
Certainly there’s a level of “This person is ND and will never behave in a NT way” that society needs to accept and get over. But on the flip side, there are certainly ND people that will use it as an excuse to be an asshole rather than looking for tools to minimize the impact both on them and others.
I wear and need glasses. I’d be an asshole if I drove without them even though I have a medical condition that makes it hard for me to see without glasses. A ND diagnosis doesn’t mean that no rules need apply, it means that a struggle in life will be figuring out the best way to work around them.
Intention vs Impact. I recognize that it might not be my intention and it might be fully outside my control, but I was being an ass. Being called out when I do it is good and important, because it helps me figure out next steps - how do I recover from what I missed, how do I make them feel heard, do I have the type of relationship with this person to share my ND?
Part of accepting myself as ND is being able to be called an asshole, accept I was being an asshole, but understanding that it doesn’t make me a bad person and I shouldn’t feel bad about it since it was outside my control but use it as a chance to figure out the best next steps.
I think (hope) most people can tell the difference between symptoms of atypical neurology (lateness, awkwardness, forgetfulness, zoning out et al) and hurtful/abusive/controlling behavior. And if they can’t, they’re just not our people. That’s a whole different Venn diagram though