I usually put on a brave face here, but I must admit that I’m still a lil sad that I’ve never experienced a relationship; less for the sex and more for the connection. I don’t truly know if anyone I’ve met in person has ever been into me (except for the person who gave me unwanted massages, but that isn’t the same) >_<
Heavier stuff
I’ve never liked the idea of meeting people or doing things just for relationships. I’m not proactive in any way, as almost all of it feels desperate and scary. I don’t like interacting with ulterior motives, and I get so uncomfortable when it comes time to flirt. On top of that socializing is so tiring, and I’m just not motivated enough to do more than the minimum. It’s hard work, so it doesn’t get done because I suck at doing things that I’m not motivated to do.
Being wanted online is something, but I still yearn more substantial experience. While I have learned to handle the shame, I can’t help my feelings of loneliness. I can’t fully fill that hole with family, friends, or online community. I’d probably want it again just as much if I did have it in the past, but at least I wouldn’t be as scared. At least I’d understand more than unrequited feelings
It mostly is ironic. I’m in a good place overall, but I still have these moments. The “brave face” is more about me being bold and not a shy lil bean >~<
plus...
this is probably related to hormone cycles. Thanks e!
It’s one thing to have someone online say they care about you and intellectually accept it and another to have someone casually hold on and make you feel ok
I hate balancing the mental equation of “how much do I hurt now vs how much could I hurt really trying to find someone and failing” and wondering if I’m even really capable of accepting affection
Being torn by desperately not wanting to hurt people and being terrified they’ll like me more than I like them while simultaneously being way too attached to anyone who shows me affection
Knowing odds are very good the more someone gets to know me the less they’ll like me
Knowing that if I miraculously find someone I’m compatible with I just don’t have the energy to put into a relationship to make it work
Personally, I’m done trying. I know you’ll get there though, you have an incrediblely tenacious spirit, of my chats with you are anything to go by
I do have tenacity, but I wasn’t born with it. My spirit was next to nonexistent for most of my life, ravaged by dysphoria and self hatred. Getting a hold on my dysphoria might’ve been essential to building myself, but it wasn’t the only part. To truly want to fight for myself, I needed to love myself.
I usually put on a brave face here, but I must admit that I’m still a lil sad that I’ve never experienced a relationship; less for the sex and more for the connection. I don’t truly know if anyone I’ve met in person has ever been into me (except for the person who gave me unwanted massages, but that isn’t the same) >_<
Heavier stuff
I’ve never liked the idea of meeting people or doing things just for relationships. I’m not proactive in any way, as almost all of it feels desperate and scary. I don’t like interacting with ulterior motives, and I get so uncomfortable when it comes time to flirt. On top of that socializing is so tiring, and I’m just not motivated enough to do more than the minimum. It’s hard work, so it doesn’t get done because I suck at doing things that I’m not motivated to do.
Being wanted online is something, but I still yearn more substantial experience. While I have learned to handle the shame, I can’t help my feelings of loneliness. I can’t fully fill that hole with family, friends, or online community. I’d probably want it again just as much if I did have it in the past, but at least I wouldn’t be as scared. At least I’d understand more than unrequited feelings
This whole time I just assumed you were lonely depression posting ironically. Your brave face is effective.
<3 take care I wish you the best <3
It mostly is ironic. I’m in a good place overall, but I still have these moments. The “brave face” is more about me being bold and not a shy lil bean >~<
plus...
this is probably related to hormone cycles. Thanks e!
Too real for my horny depressed lemmy
Preach sister
It’s one thing to have someone online say they care about you and intellectually accept it and another to have someone casually hold on and make you feel ok
I hate balancing the mental equation of “how much do I hurt now vs how much could I hurt really trying to find someone and failing” and wondering if I’m even really capable of accepting affection
Being torn by desperately not wanting to hurt people and being terrified they’ll like me more than I like them while simultaneously being way too attached to anyone who shows me affection
Knowing odds are very good the more someone gets to know me the less they’ll like me
Knowing that if I miraculously find someone I’m compatible with I just don’t have the energy to put into a relationship to make it work
Personally, I’m done trying. I know you’ll get there though, you have an incrediblely tenacious spirit, of my chats with you are anything to go by
I do have tenacity, but I wasn’t born with it. My spirit was next to nonexistent for most of my life, ravaged by dysphoria and self hatred. Getting a hold on my dysphoria might’ve been essential to building myself, but it wasn’t the only part. To truly want to fight for myself, I needed to love myself.
<3