I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
Theres a fish for every net, my friend
Well you appeal to most women? No. Will you appeal to some women? Absolutely.
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Yeah, definitely. Women who love guys like that are more common than people think. I know a bunch. I married one. Stay upbeat and financially self-sufficient and you can find someone who’s right for you. The idea that you have to be a tough guy to get dates has evolved from a misconception to a fucking psyops.
By the way, as a bi guy, I have never considered a man “adorable” or “a sweetheart” unless I thought I’d enjoy dating him. I must presume that women are often the same way.
Here’s the top 3 things that the Lemmy community loves the most:
- Linux
- The though of elon musk getting hit with a blue shell in Mario kart
- Femboys
So you’re good
(jokes aside any aestethic choice will be attractive to some people and a turn off for others, so you might as well be whatever makes you feel good)
No one is “normal” it doesn’t exist. It’s one big social hallucination. Look inside yourself and trust who you are. That is the most attractive thing I can think of. You are good.
Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!
And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).
You do you. Someone will love you and it’s better that they love you than a you you’re pretending to be.
You are attractive, probably very attractive. Your post makes it clear to me. You receive attention of multiple women, and some of them are even making advances on you. Manly men are in crisis, in my opinion. Feminism all around is putting the concept of the manly man in question, and you, my friend, are the next step, like the X-men mutant to the human being.
In any case, what’s a man, anyway? They will tell you all kinds of zombie answers. As someone raised by women and two absent masculine figures, I just don’t get it. Learned to set limits with bullies the bad way, always taking advantage of the situation cowardly, but effectively, and I don’t regret kicking them while they were on the floor. What I mean is, if it works for you being all cute, be cute by all means, but if you want to have sex, be all the cute you want saying that seriously; otherwise, people, women, will take you for a prude, maybe even gay, and I don’t know why, but that’s been my experience.
Be yourself. Don’t let other men show off by demeaning you, don’t let women think you’re some kind of a monk, especially the ones you are attracted to. Those are the limits.
EDIT: just to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but it hardly works to project that idea if you want to get intimate with the opposite sex.
I see no issue here. A man can absolutely be ‘cute’ without being any less of a man. Masculinity isn’t about rugged looks, strength, dominance, or any of that shit. It’s about self confidence (not arrogance, just being comfortable being yourself) and giving to others, both of which you seem to do well.
Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t found a partner to match you yet.
Fuck this “manliness” bullshit. Wear a skirt. Punch anyone who makes a thing of it. You do you, boss and you do it to be happy with yourself. Nobody else gets to decide that. Nobody.
Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?
Colman Domingo SLAYED it.
https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188
We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!
Yes you can! I’m quite the same way and you may enjoy checking out !femboy@lemmy.blahaj.zone :3
Aww you’re always posting cute stuff like this on Lemmy. Keep up the cuteness haha!
Aww thank you! I’ll try <3
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Thanks for your support, and I’m glad I could help! I wish I could have read posts from unabashedly soft guys when I was still struggling with my masculinity, so I’m happy that I could help someone else in a similar way.
A little bit about my journey:
Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me.
These were the people who changed my life. I used to hide my personality out of shame, and they saw right through me. They called out my tenderness and basically said, “Hey, I love this side of you and I want to see more of it.” I couldn’t believe that people could wholeheartedly like something that I was told was my biggest weakness for my whole life.
But one of these friends explained to me that this “weakness” was nothing more than hateful messaging perpetuated by miserable people. She showed me just how much people around me, herself included, loved the very aspects of myself that I was insecure about. The evidence became so overwhelming that I finally accepted that I had been lied to for my entire life. My oppressive belief system had sustained fatal damage and finally began to collapse.
Those miserable people were my own family members. I was a victim of their abuse and indoctrination since childhood. These women were the heroes who kept me from going down the dark path my family had forged for me. I can’t even begin to describe just how much I was able to heal as a result of their actions. It has been utterly transformative for me. Their influence may be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I hope that you’re able to find friends who affirm your identity, too. Friends who see aspects of you that you worry others won’t like and respond with love and encouragement. That was the most powerful thing for me.
Be outgoing and funny and you’ll find what you need. Hell, most likely it’ll come to you. You wouldn’t want one of those chicks who fawn over those “masculine” man-children anyway.
Be outgoing and funny
Lol. Be rich and handsome too, it will help.
I mean, sure, but my suggestions can be learned and practiced.
There are definitely women who like and appreciate a partner like that. Particularly, demi-sexual women would absolutely love a supportive and caring partner. Pansexual women could too. Many women may not realize they’re demi or pan and don’t usually advertise themselves as such, but they are there.
I myself don’t act very masculine and don’t relate well with other men. I identify as the gender apathetic flavor of non-binary. Not being masculine or feminine in mannorisms. I appear male, but like you, my mannerisms are gentle and caring. I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way… I don’t know if there’s a way out of that 😅… BUT they will help you find a date.
When I met my future wife, I let her know I wanted to date her before being friends but after being aquatinted. She appreciated my politeness and care and reciprocated it back. We’ve been married for 10 years now. Found out later she was demi-sexual. She didn’t find me attractive at first (she didn’t find anyone truly attractive), but she did as she loved me more.
I find this funny because while reading this post I thought to myself “I don’t see why I wouldn’t date someone like that?” and I identify as demisexual. I’m already taken, unfortunately for OP, but I’m sure if he were to mention wanting someone to cuddle or being lonely to those friends who called him “cute” and “adorable” someone may step up and either find him a match or admit interest.
I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way…
Lmao, I got called a little brother by a friend too!
She literally changed my life by helping me work through my past struggles with gender expectations and trust issues, so she was definitely a mentor figure for me at the time. The reason I can proudly share my desire to be a cute guy is directly thanks to her. She showed me that people truly liked me for who I was, even if I was a bit different. It turns out that what made me different was exactly what she liked about me the most. After all, the first thing she ever said to me was, “Oh my god, you’re adorable!”
I’m so happy that it worked out for you! Your story is relatable to me and gives me hope.
