Hey y’all, this is a bit of a personal rant and maybe a space for other people to share their experiences in the comments. I’m just looking for some advice on how to make the wait for bottom surgery more bearable.
Mine is probably about 6-8 months away, though I don’t have an exact surgery date yet. There are some days where it’s really fine and I don’t even notice my parts down there but then there are others where it’s unbearable to even get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to cut the damn thing off myself, I feel like I can’t bear to lug it around for even one more day.
I know that I’m a woman (ish) no matter my genitals but it just pisses me off so much that I’ll forever be an experiment for people (especially men) when I try dating as long as I don’t have a vulva. That I can’t go to women’s changing rooms without having a complete breakdown (I did it once and have avoided them since in the last 1.5 years). That I can’t go swimming in the same clothes all my friends can. That I can’t enjoy buying nice underwear because it always looks so horribly wrong. That I feel it every second of every day, that I always have to cover it up when I wear tight bottoms, that I always have to worry and think about it. I hate it, I really do. Every time I touch it, it feels more like a tumor or some kind of demon that has manifested in my body. My bottom dysphoria has become worse and worse the better everything else gets. You win some, you lose some, I guess. All in all, life has gotten significantly better in the last two years for me. I feel like I still have the same amount of dysphoria as I did before starting HRT, only now it’s concentrated more on this part of my body.
Okay, rant over, haha. Hope to hear some of your experiences and what helped you through the wait.
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Hopefully you’ve already had extensive hair removal completed (usually recommended is at least a year of electrolysis and three full cycles of clearing), not sure if you’re still going through that, but that has been a big part of my wait for bottom surgery.
In terms of wanting to cut the thing off yourself, I find I have intrusive thoughts like this as well, I just watch them come and go and remind myself that I’m not a skilled surgeon who can turn my situation down there into anything like a woman’s vagina. I’ve lived my whole life with those thoughts, so it’s nothing special or interesting about them now. Usually I can redirect to feeling gratitude and reflect on how incredibly lucky I am to live in a time where anyone has access to a surgery like that (relative to the human past, even the trans emperor of Rome was unable to get gender affirming surgery, let alone a peasant like me).
Otherwise I try to avoid seeing or thinking much about my genitals, I think this is the best advice I can give - just don’t look at them, don’t think about them - limit your exposure. Wear dark feminine underwear that hide the shape and look of them, wear gaffs if that is affirming and helps you not see or think about them, and so on. Wear these even when you might not otherwise, like when lounging around. I even wear them during sex, so I won’t see or think about it. If you’re taking a bath, cover the genitals with bubbles or a hand towel. Avert your eyes, redirect your thoughts.
What I’ve found is the more I think about it, the worse I feel. So redirecting awareness when you see the genitals and reminding yourself that 6 months is a very short period of time and that you might even someday forget what it was like (and even wish you remembered) - those are things that have helped me. (My surgery is in a week.)
Personally, I’ve been single my whole life and probably will continue to be until vaginoplasty. I can’t imagine being with someone or being seen naked by anyone when I have the tumor.
I also experienced extreme bottom dysphoria. It was completely disruptive my whole life. It definitely got worse the longer I was out as trans. There were so many things I wanted to do that I didnt feel like I could. I’m very inclined towards feminine clothes and presentation and I pretty much never could wear anything explicitly fem. I always wore baggy clothes, hoodies and jeans in the middle of summer kinda vibe. It was awful genuinely I hated my body and wanted no one to ever see me. I didnt swim for over a decade. I felt out of place among other women, I felt repulsed with intimacy and avoided it as much as possible. I got misgendered a lot and just sort of accepted it. I was very unhappy most of the time.
I dont have any easy answers. It nearly killed me. I coped badly, to make a long story short. I waited a long time for surgery and getting it saved my life. Its been over 2 years now. I’m almost an entirely different person. Its hard to really summarize all the changes but I actually like who I am today. I love my body in spite of its flaws and I actually feel free to be myself, something I never did before. I’m better adjusted emotionally and much better at managing my mental health. I’m not entirely free of dysphoria now, but bottom dysphoria was far and away the worst for me.
The next 6 months before your surgery date will feel like the longest thing ever and also retrospectively like the blink of an eye. A light at the end of the tunnel exists. I’m very excited for you to get there. Be patient with yourself and focus on getting through each day.
I sympathize with these feelings, and I’m sorry you’ve had to wait so long to get this taken care of. Be confident that it isn’t that far in the future.
As for my experiences, I can personally relate to gender dysphoria but not genital dysphoria. I missed out on a lot of gay experiences when I was younger because, while I’ve always liked dicks, I’ve never seen masculinity as a positive trait, and the one gay guy I knew in high school was very masc and went to the gym and stuff. I’m dating another transfem with a similar background to my own, and (perhaps because they look more feminine than I do and have stronger dysphoria) they’re asking me to boymode, which I hadn’t done in about a year. I do it because I care about them and desperately need that relationship. (Abandonment issues.) Plus it’s just something different.
My suggestion, beyond taking solace in the fact that you have a surgery planned, is to spend time with a partner, be it someone who is trans or someone who understands the trans experience more than a completely cis person. Intimacy with someone you’re attracted to and know and understand can be therapeutic.
I feel this a lot, hits me right in the despair.
I started the process of getting bottom surgery about a year and a half ago, and saying I’ll have it done in as much time is optimistic… I don’t know if I can wait that long. It’s getting worse every day.
I don’t know where I was going with this, ig you’re not alone.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I think venting and seeking support/advice about this is a step in the right direction. Waiting for surgery is a right pain esp with it being so far out. I wish there was more I could offer.
