On day 3 of a meth bender, non-stop looking at and Photoshopping porn, paralyzed my ulnar nerve by the way my arm was resting on the armrest. Yes, I sat there that long in the same position. Couldn’t feel my pinkie and ring finger for a couple of years. No, I haven’t done meth in 20 years.
Sliced my forearm open trying to make a small scratch to do a blood brother thing with my gf. My god, I barely got it to stop bleeding. Now I have what looks like a suicide scar. In other news, I was top-tier at sharpening pocket knives back then.
Hit a brick wall, head on, driving my motorcycle drunk, on an unfamiliar street, at night, wearing dark goggles. The bike exploded into fragments, I got a light concussion.
Broke my femur, most crippling injury to date. Knew my motorcycle brakes were far too worn, drove it anyway. Lady slammed her brakes, guy in front of me did same, I tried to do the same, rammed him from behind.
Using a non-locking pocket knife to trim a washer hose. It folded and cut me to the bone, had to have surgery to repair the extensor tendon. Also using a non-locking pocket knife to work on my motorcycle throttle cable, you guessed it, it folded and cut me to the bone. Have had nerve damage in that fingertip since.
Riding my BMX as a kid, decided to try an endo. Slammed the front brakes at speed with predictable results. Knee hit the asphalt to hard it mashed the skin off. Still got the scar, which matches the one on my other knee from swinging over a lava rock.
Got diverticulitis, 3 times, most painful events of my life. Spent years shitting too hard, developed diverticulosis (little tears/pouches in your intestine that catch food and get infected). Surgery fixed it!
Popped a lung after a night of rigorous sex. Yes, I smoked cigarettes and weed. Also, had a lawn service where I inhaled dust all day. Maybe not so much on me though. Doc said it was common among young men and I had two friends blow a lung in those years.
Lately, my feet have been all fucked up from working at Lowe’s (I rage quit BTW). Got some new shoes at the thrift, like walking on clouds. Apparently been wearing a size too small for years.
Bruised/broken my ribs several times, broke my right arm twice, countless broken toes and fingers, and perhaps more than the one concussion described above. At this point in the story I’ve stopped counting scars.
I can keep going. No idea how I survived my 20s without permanent injury or prison time.
You have lived a very full life in a very short time. What are your plans for your retirement (basically anything after right now)?
Had a spot or two where I thought it was the end of all things, thought, “Well. I’ve burned the candle at both ends. Time to die.”
Meh, I’m a GenX slacker, total failure. My best guess is I’ll retire to the Philippines with my Filipino wife, see what social security gets me while I rent my Florida house for something fair. Really want to keep the house for my kid’s inheritance, or if I croak, my wife’s home.
Dude I know that all of those probably hurt a lot but that sounds like an awesome life.
Dad always said he had been shot, stabbed and blown to hell. Like father, like son.
Burned my face while breathing fire with Everclear.
I used to work nights. When I had the next day off, I would usually stay up all day and go to sleep that evening. So, wake up around 2-4pm Friday, go to at 10pm to 6am Saturday and not sleep until Saturday evening.
This eventually caught up with me. I was riding a bicycle down a hill, just coasting and fell a sleep for a second. Down I went. Need stitches in my head ( I still have a bump), tons of road rash, and banged up my knee.
I recovered fully except for the bump on my head.
In high school I was run over by a car that I was sitting in. Buddy stopped in a parking lot, I started to get out, then he went forward and my foot was caught under the rear tire. I was pulled out of the car and my leg was run over.
Minor tear in a ligament and have a nice scar, but that’s about it.
I once cut the inside of my thigh as a kid by bicycle jousting with my friends at night-time along the streets and sidewalks. Slammed into one of my friends’ tires head-on, and got thrown forward into the crossbar. I was lucky I was slightly off-center, but I came away with a nasty bruise, a laceration, and a rip in my shorts.
Stubbed my toe on a cat condo base while running the kitchen. Didn’t think much of it. Next day it hurts like crazy. Fractured it, dislocated it, and tore the ligament.
I broke my toe on a case of ramen noodles.
Many, many moons ago. I rode my Big Wheel standing up, no hands, down hill.
Ended up crashing into a fire hydrant. Ouch. At least a broken right arm from what I remember.
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Wanted to see what happened if I stuck my finger into a pencil sharpener. Didn’t really think that one through
I cut the edges of the mouth lips (rightmost and leftmost zones) while shaving my beard about two months ago, and I still get microcuts because since the zone is so flexible, it tears every time I open my mouth.
It’s not even visible, it’s just annoying and painful and not healed yet.
Is this the Joker origin story?!
Damn man, sorry to hear that.
I hope not haha, it’s crazy how such a minor cut doesn’t heal for so long,but when you think of the elasticity that lips have it makes sense. So annoying tho.
Bad cut on my finger from a bread knife trying to cut a particularly crusty loaf of bread I baked. Only time in my life I’ve needed to go to the emergency room (for myself).
Slipped on the sidewalk in the rain and somehow broke an arm (clean broke it). Needed surgery and 2-night hospital stay. This after climbing multiple mountains without a scratch.
That sucks.
Makes me ponder though:
Humans are more or less designed for nature like mountains/dirt trails. I think sidewalks/asphalt while great designs for society and big cities are actually less ideal for the individual human.
Since living in the city I have learned to respect wet manhole covers.
I shattered my ankle, separated my tibia and fibula, and broke a different part of my fibula. All in one moment. How, you ask? By stepping outside. My dog pulled too hard on her leash and I stumbled and twisted my ankle in just the right way. Got a fancy Maisonneuve fracture that had to be surgically fixed.
I’m in California. If you feel the need for a defensive weapon, the most you can get away with is a plain, wooden cane from a drugstore. Even then, if a cop thinks you don’t need that cane, you’ll get the shit beat out of you and the stick taken away.
Ask me how I know.
