This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip

In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)

But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.

Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.

I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin

  • lilith267@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
    9·
    2 days ago

    Thanks, I’m not lost for hope that I’ll have my day, but after hiding everything for so long from my family and reaching so close to being her. This waiting another unknown span of time before I move out again v2 eletric boogaloo and then have to save the money to transition (even basics like fem clothes) just feels so defeating sometimes. And unfortunately the friends I had were supportive of me, but wernt exactly close friends to me, and their all living their lives in collage now while I work full time

    But at the end of the day Im extreamly stubborn and I’ll keep trying to make a better tomorrow. Honestly I just wish I wouldnt have to go through these long stretches of “waiting for the day I can be alive again” alone

    • captainlezbian@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      1 day ago

      My biggest advice is to have a plan you’re acting on. It’s the aimless waiting that’s the hardest, but when you know every paycheck brings you a little closer it gets easier.