This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip
In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)
But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.
Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.
I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin
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I’m so sorry, kid. Your story brought tears to my eyes and had a deeper impact than anything I’ve read in a month. I have some encouraging words fwiw.
- I had a warehouse job very briefly, and from what I saw it shouldn’t significantly alter your body, but it does wear you out.
- I didn’t go back to college until I was 30 and I didn’t start HRT until I was 31. I wish I had done those things sooner, but you have time.
- Redneck assholes usually can’t be persuaded, but if you share your story there are bound to be people in your local area who feel for you.
Thanks so much. Its hard to believe in the idea that I can still get my life together down the road when everyone I used to know already have 50k cars from their parents, housing for the next 4 years paid off for collage, connections, and a path forward. While I’m one missed paycheck away from not having insurance on my car. I got plans how to live the life I wanna and determination to make it, but life does not like to play by my rules lol
I too feel financial instability. I feel perpetually trapped and unable to leave. It’s as real as anything else, and if you feel those things it may be because you’re a step away from spiralling into a deeper level of hell. My most recent partner had a nervous breakdown so bad that they got 2 eviction notices for 2 separate incidents and then tried to kill me. Stay safe and take care of your wellbeing above all else.
Um now I’m just a supportive cis who hangs out here sometimes. So you can feel free to ignore.
But I understand this cycle of depression. I’m working out of it myself for different reasons. (Namely having to move back home due to a severe medical issue (now resolved, I’m ok) but am working on figuring out how to go back to work and move back out. My parents are trumpies, and while they know I didn’t vote for Trump and that I hate everything about Fox News they have no idea that I’m leftist too (not that they know anything about the left except we’re all radical apparently), and Mom is just starting to figure out that I’m atheist too. I’m not out about that to them either)
But don’t let it make you feel like you’re not trans enough to be called trans. You don’t have a bar to meet here. If you identify as a girl/woman, then you are. This “I’m not trans anymore” talk is just the depression being allowed to talk. Don’t let it talk loud enough to determine who you are.
Just imagine Trump’s face on your depression and punch the fucking shit out of it.
You got this, girl.
I started transition at 27 and while I do feel a lot of my childhood was essentially robbed from me, I also feel I was far better equipped to navigate all the decisions needed around transitioning. You’ll get there. If your primary goal is to move and eventually get a job, you could look into a trade school. You’ll come out the other side with a very employable skill set. The one tricky part would be finding a trade that is slightly less dominated by men, or just full send it and be the token femme that shatters their understanding of gender norms. Besides, trans girl mechanics and carpenters are hot af
Sorry for the confusion but I’ve already moved out and have a job, unfortunately due to hurry of almost going homeless I moved in with a friends family (who im greatful charge me very little a month but their not fun to live with) and the only work I could find is at a warehouse for a retail store (so the culture is extreamly right wing). I just wish between paying bills, navigating the extream republican town im in, and just regular mental illness issues I barely have the time or energy to keep my life together much less try and transition :(
You’re still just a baby girl. I’m a little over twice your age and a literal “dad” (as far as everyone else is concerned) and just stopped lying to myself recently. I’m planning to get on E as soon as the medical system allows for it where i live. Do I regret not coming out and starting sooner? Sure, but I also know that even if I’ll never pass (and let’s face it at 188 cm with size 49 shoes it’s a bit of an ask) I’ll still look and feel a fuck of a lot better than I do now. And from what I’ve seen, E can take years off your appearance. So I’ll be getting both hotter and younger. There’s always a silver lining if you’re prepared to look for it.
40 and people in their 20s think I’m about their age. Estrogen is magic. Good luck! P.S. I started without the approval of the gatekeepers.
I’d start already but if I go through the official channels then a lot of the non hormone related stuff is at least partially covered by the government. Also my SO is somewhat freaking out so waiting until she calms down might not be a terrible idea.
Agreed. I’m 48 and have been on E for 10 months now, it certainly does change your face shape and knocks years off. I only wish I started sooner!
Hey sis,
I don’t know if I’m saying it right, but… I think the time will come. And I am sure the gal in you, will find their path eventually. We won’t let fate fall from our hands.
Trumpists and racists are misled people, but they lack what we have: confidence in who we are. We know we are queer. They only know to hate, and place their frustration on others.
Tight hugs - I had a while where I had no friends except for the online ones, though this was way before I came out. It kind of helped me to feel less alone. Since you had supportive friends… is it a possibility to contact them again that way?
Stay strong and I know better days will one time come. We weather this storm.
Thanks, I’m not lost for hope that I’ll have my day, but after hiding everything for so long from my family and reaching so close to being her. This waiting another unknown span of time before I move out again
v2 eletric boogalooand then have to save the money to transition (even basics like fem clothes) just feels so defeating sometimes. And unfortunately the friends I had were supportive of me, but wernt exactly close friends to me, and their all living their lives in collage now while I work full timeBut at the end of the day Im extreamly stubborn and I’ll keep trying to make a better tomorrow. Honestly I just wish I wouldnt have to go through these long stretches of “waiting for the day I can be alive again” alone
My biggest advice is to have a plan you’re acting on. It’s the aimless waiting that’s the hardest, but when you know every paycheck brings you a little closer it gets easier.
Be a lady at night until you can do something else. You can find another job. You have to get out of this depressive self defeatist mindset. The world is fucked up. Its not your fault really that it is the way it is, yet you shouldnt let it also take your happiness. You dont have to be depressed and be a victim. You are going to die anyways, whether it being 5 years from now being desolated by your community or 40 years from now as a deeply depressed person who gave up everything about their self to cling on to a life that they dont even want to live. Why even fear death? Why not live now while you have the opportunity? Life only slips through your fingers like the sands of time. To live 5 years and be happy is better then living 100 years in misery. You are going to die either way. You might as well choose to be happy. To embrace your death fully. To let go of fear. To let go of the darkness. To live. To be alive, truely alive. To be happy. To fall in love with this dark world once again. To let your soul breathe. Dont be afraid.
