This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip
In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)
But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.
Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.
I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin
I started transition at 27 and while I do feel a lot of my childhood was essentially robbed from me, I also feel I was far better equipped to navigate all the decisions needed around transitioning. You’ll get there. If your primary goal is to move and eventually get a job, you could look into a trade school. You’ll come out the other side with a very employable skill set. The one tricky part would be finding a trade that is slightly less dominated by men, or just full send it and be the token femme that shatters their understanding of gender norms. Besides, trans girl mechanics and carpenters are hot af
Sorry for the confusion but I’ve already moved out and have a job, unfortunately due to hurry of almost going homeless I moved in with a friends family (who im greatful charge me very little a month but their not fun to live with) and the only work I could find is at a warehouse for a retail store (so the culture is extreamly right wing). I just wish between paying bills, navigating the extream republican town im in, and just regular mental illness issues I barely have the time or energy to keep my life together much less try and transition :(