This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip

In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)

But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.

Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.

I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin

  • lazyneet@programming.devEnglish
    12·
    1 day ago

    I’m so sorry, kid. Your story brought tears to my eyes and had a deeper impact than anything I’ve read in a month. I have some encouraging words fwiw.

    • I had a warehouse job very briefly, and from what I saw it shouldn’t significantly alter your body, but it does wear you out.
    • I didn’t go back to college until I was 30 and I didn’t start HRT until I was 31. I wish I had done those things sooner, but you have time.
    • Redneck assholes usually can’t be persuaded, but if you share your story there are bound to be people in your local area who feel for you.
    • lilith267@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      4·
      1 day ago

      Thanks so much. Its hard to believe in the idea that I can still get my life together down the road when everyone I used to know already have 50k cars from their parents, housing for the next 4 years paid off for collage, connections, and a path forward. While I’m one missed paycheck away from not having insurance on my car. I got plans how to live the life I wanna and determination to make it, but life does not like to play by my rules lol

      • lazyneet@programming.devEnglish
        3·
        22 hours ago

        I too feel financial instability. I feel perpetually trapped and unable to leave. It’s as real as anything else, and if you feel those things it may be because you’re a step away from spiralling into a deeper level of hell. My most recent partner had a nervous breakdown so bad that they got 2 eviction notices for 2 separate incidents and then tried to kill me. Stay safe and take care of your wellbeing above all else.