This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip
In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)
But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.
Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.
I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin
You’re still just a baby girl. I’m a little over twice your age and a literal “dad” (as far as everyone else is concerned) and just stopped lying to myself recently. I’m planning to get on E as soon as the medical system allows for it where i live. Do I regret not coming out and starting sooner? Sure, but I also know that even if I’ll never pass (and let’s face it at 188 cm with size 49 shoes it’s a bit of an ask) I’ll still look and feel a fuck of a lot better than I do now. And from what I’ve seen, E can take years off your appearance. So I’ll be getting both hotter and younger. There’s always a silver lining if you’re prepared to look for it.
40 and people in their 20s think I’m about their age. Estrogen is magic. Good luck! P.S. I started without the approval of the gatekeepers.
I’d start already but if I go through the official channels then a lot of the non hormone related stuff is at least partially covered by the government. Also my SO is somewhat freaking out so waiting until she calms down might not be a terrible idea.
Agreed. I’m 48 and have been on E for 10 months now, it certainly does change your face shape and knocks years off. I only wish I started sooner!