This is really just a vent post tbh feel free to skip
In high school I had very supportive friends who helped me a ton and dispite being in poverty at the time I still had the time to care about my outward presentation. This ended up making the perfect moment in my life where I ended up focusing a ton on myself and even dispite having to hide it from very homophobic parents when I was out with friends I got called she/her basically every time a stranger saw me (unless I spoke lol)
But life hit hard after those couple months: I lost friends, my mom became bed ridden and eventually passed, I started failing school, a toxic relationship drained all the time I had from my hobbies. So my body hair grew out again, I put on more weight, I couldn’t make myself exercise at all anymore, If it wasnt a school day I wouldn’t even shower and I often rewore clothes since I would be too tired to do wash.
Well I always thought that when I moved out things would be better. That I’d get on E and become the girl of my dreams again! Instead the only work I could find is in a warehouse, my beard routinly grows to an itchy length because I just don’t have the energy to shave, I was forced to move to the other side of the US to a shitty town in Idaho where im surrounded by only trumpies and racists, Ive lost all my friends due to the move. I don’t just look like a man, but a whole ass dad to the point my coworkers assume I have kids… Im 19.
I don’t have money, I don’t have time, and I certainly don’t have the energy to be trans anymore. Yet in my dreams when I look into the mirror, I see her, and for a moment I smile like I could when I was just a dumb kid again. And every morning after those dreams I’ll wake up and be reminded that the friends family I’m staying with since I almost went homeless (and really need to move out from), even though their use my prefferd name, every action or joke or conversation is undeinably “your clearly a man”. And I’m reminded of my sad reality that as I am now I will never come across as even remotely feminin
Be a lady at night until you can do something else. You can find another job. You have to get out of this depressive self defeatist mindset. The world is fucked up. Its not your fault really that it is the way it is, yet you shouldnt let it also take your happiness. You dont have to be depressed and be a victim. You are going to die anyways, whether it being 5 years from now being desolated by your community or 40 years from now as a deeply depressed person who gave up everything about their self to cling on to a life that they dont even want to live. Why even fear death? Why not live now while you have the opportunity? Life only slips through your fingers like the sands of time. To live 5 years and be happy is better then living 100 years in misery. You are going to die either way. You might as well choose to be happy. To embrace your death fully. To let go of fear. To let go of the darkness. To live. To be alive, truely alive. To be happy. To fall in love with this dark world once again. To let your soul breathe. Dont be afraid.