I was dating my coworker for about two months until one day she decided to pull a baby joke on me. I was 20, and she was 29. Everything was completely fine before this. She hopped off of me (we went all the way) and smiled at me with a somewhat evil look, saying, “In 3 months, you’ll get the notice.” I looked at her, scared, trying to ask if she was joking, and she said, “Yes,” but I still didn’t believe her.
We had a bad moment; she immediately ended the sex, and I dropped her off at home. This really freaked me out because on the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission and then said, when I didn’t want to go all the way, “You don’t trust me?” Additionally, the date we had planned for the week, she canceled without saying anything, and then didn’t text me the entire day. When I tried to call her, she hung up on me twice and didn’t call me back until the next afternoon.
She made my life a complete hell after all of this. She would hold me up if I asked her out on a date; she would be the one to initiate. I couldn’t ask directly; I could only mention it. By the way, she is Latina and did say to me that she was toxic. I got so scared after that incident that I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support. Unfortunately, this coworker backstabbed me and called her.
She freaked out on me, saying it was just a joke and that I needed to “be a man.” A simple “sorry” from her would have gone a million miles, but she couldn’t even do that. I was so freaked out that I was planning on killing myself that week. We talked things through after a couple of days, and she wanted to take me out on a date again, but I just didn’t trust her anymore. My gut was telling me no, especially when I asked to use her phone to make a phone call, and she got all jumpy, saying she had to call insurance.
At that point, I decided to secretly end the relationship. I started playing dumb until she eventually left. But am I wrong for dumping her? Obviously, I am 99% sure she was cheating on me and using me. She was very nice though, only up till when we would go on dates, she would play super hard to get, her friends even let me know this, so I don’t know if this was some fucked up game she was playing or if she was really just cheating. We only had sex twice and she was my first ever date with a woman.
Also, she held me up for 2 months, didn’t text for over a month and barely talked to me at work, and then got upset on her last day on why I didn’t want to get back with her. She ended up completing her joke by leaving after 3 months. Another coworker (different), I told him the situation, still freaked out, and he said that he saw her and she’s not pregnant. I literally told him that he saved me from a year of pain
EDIT: I was drunk when the took rhe condom off
Holy shit. Neither of you are ready for a real relationship.
She is a toxic dirtbag and you need to learn to love yourself more than the person with whom you are in a relationship.
If I didn’t love myself, I would’ve stayed in this relationship. She was not my source of happiness. I learned to let go of her, even if that meant losing my first potential girlfriend.
I believe I am ready for a real relationship, just not with her. It was complete mental torture.
There are so many examples in your post where you place her above you and she is not equal in that return.
It is challenging, especially when you think of things like, “Love means sacrifice, or hard work.” And those statements are not wrong, but they are also easy mechanisms your brain uses to justify why you let someone shit on you.
I am coming from a marriage of 20 years and after getting therapy, finally realizing just how I much I enabled the treatment I received.
Sex is such a strong urge too, ESPECIALLY at 20. That and fear of loneliness.
I’ve got something that is worse though. 20 years I will never get back because I convinced myself if I just kept loving her, she would eventually love me back the same. That I just need to be strong and the sacrifice is worth it. Now I don’t even really know who I am anymore.
You got this in a short dating period.
I am not red pilling or any of that other chauvinistic bullshit because this applies to both partners.
Almost every single example you presented was reason enough, on its own, to leave her.
But you twisted yourself into thinking there’s no way this is what it is. You must not be seeing it right, there must be some justification for her behavior. It must not be a big deal, or you are “over reacting”.
That can be anywhere from poor self esteem to just putting your partner on a pedestal.
If your partner does something that makes you think, “I could/would never consider doing that.”, in a bad way, it is most likely not an equal or healthy relationship. (This mostly applies to how they interact with you and others.)
You are NTA, you just need to respect your own boundaries, even when it hurts.
She raped you and then joked about exploiting you and a child for money.
NTA
Please stop trivializing rape. This was not rape. Yeah, some type of sexual assault as she took the condom off without permission, but rape is a whole lot worse than what was described here.
What is stealthing?
So-called ‘stealthing’ is a form of rape. It happens when people agree to have sex with a condom and then someone either lies about putting a condom on or removes it without the other person’s permission.
I would say to you stop trivializing a woman’s actions that everyone would consider rape if the genders swapped
If he was the one who slipped off the condom secretly, would you not consider that rape?
Regardless, OP is immature and has a lot of growing to do, and she took advantage of that in a number of ways. I feel for this kid. Terrible situation to be dragged through
There are various forms of sexual assault but they violated his consent and then continued to engage in a sexual activity. that’s rape.
NTA - if someone describes themself as toxic and then goes on to exhibit extremely toxic behaviour, save yourself the pain and get rid.
PS, removing a condom during sex without permission is a form of rape.
I was with you until the condom rape. It isn’t right, but rape? Seriously? How many years in jail for condom raping?
His conditions for sex required a condom. When she removed it, she lost consent.
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
It is wrong, I don’t dispute that; but believe calling that rape is mocking actual sexual abuse. The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
Yes, she could force pregnancy, but that’s also not rape, but a different crime. Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
The used condom is an object, you could burn it and it wouldn’t harm the guy in any way.
I did not claim that the condom was the victim in any way. I also have no problem with burning used condoms. Kinda weird, but I’m not here to kink shame.
And, having sex without a condom COULD harm the guy. He could pick up an STD in addition to being responsible for an unintended pregnancy.
When someone says yes to protected sex, that means that they have said NO to unprotected sex, until they explicitly say otherwise. Sex without consent is rape.
Calling any bad behavior related to sex “rape” is doing a disservice to people who were actually raped.
And I would argue that you are doing THESE people who WERE actually raped a larger disservice by saying they weren’t raped enough to deserve the right to say that they were raped.
Do we really need people gatekeeping rape?
Of course we don’t need people gate keeping rape, just as much as we don’t need people imposing rape.
Rape, as any other crime, needs an objective meaning, so you can determine if it’s or isn’t rape. That, my friend, is a definition, not gatekeeping. Argue with reasons, not your guts.
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-stealthing/
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/condom-removed-during-sex-stealthing-b2562031.html
https://reeds.co.uk/insights/stealthing-and-conditional-consent/
By both a legal and moral definition, removing a condom, or sabotaging a condom without informed consent of your partner (whether it’s the male or female doing it) is committing an act of rape, regardless of any physical harm or consequences which may or may not result.
Thanks for the assist!
That’s exactly what Julian Assange did, and half the internet defends the shit out of him.
Half the internet can be wrong.
The question was, would you defend that?
Of course not
Maybe? I don’t know about that. Not sure how it’s relevant here.
I mean, you asked
Would you feel differently about it if a man secretly removed his own condom and put his load in an unknowing woman?
and I pointed out an example of a man who did that and yet is regularly defended, so it appears a lot of people have no problem with that at all
Yeah, I get how it’s related, but what you said doesn’t answer the question, and at any given time on any given topic, half the Internet is just stupid and wrong, so, that doesn’t actually mean anything at all.
Everyone sucks here.
she took off my condom without permission
Removing a condom without consent during sex is sexual assault. You’re absolutely right to break off a relationship or go no-contact for this. In many jurisdictions, you could press criminal charges.
I even called an old coworker to ask if she had her citizenship because I was trying to avoid child support.
That’s not OK even if you’re very scared.
Your comment addressed everything I wanted to. You’re spot on.
He was definitely raped by her physically (condom removal) and mentally (sexually controlling, baby leverage).
He was wrong for asking about citizenship. That’s a fucked up level to go to for her actions, however vile. It’s pretty racist in my opinion because he wouldn’t ask that if she were White.
My verdict is he’s an asshole for the end part, but not for breaking it off.
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NTA
…the first time we had sex, she took off my condom without permission…
This is sexual assault and illegal in some places. Granted it is normally the reverse, but I believe the law is written so that it goes both ways.
EDIT:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removalThat’s not your gut telling you something is wrong. That is your reason, your logic telling you something is wrong, because something IS wrong.
Forcing unprotected sex on someone is rape. Putting it in context with the age gap, it’s predatory as hell.
If this is real, you did the right thing. Learn from this experience.
- A ten-year age gap is a huge red flag if one of the two is literally 20 yrs old. No offense to you, but as someone in their 30s, I cannot express just how much of a different place you’re in between 20 and 30. Straight up, 30 yr olds shouldn’t be snooping after 20 yr olds (and yes I know she’s technically 29, but the point def still stands).
- What she did would be considered sexual assault to many people, myself included. Lying about condom use flies in the face of consent. Not trying to pathologize, but I sincerely hope you’re okay. You mention wanting to kill yourself at one point. Based on everything you said, you should NOT be in a relationship with her toxic ass. Not trying to be cute, but you should consider talking to a therapist about what you had to go through. Cuz that’s a lot for anyone to handle.
- Fuck ICE
- Break up, move on, and good luck.
I was never planning on calling ICE. I was asking because if she were to take me to court, I would tell her to take a DNA test (My friend told me she needs to have citizenship for that or else she can’t collect). I’m sorry if this is a short response, I’m currently at work with limited time to respond. I kmow It’s fucked up, I know, but I would never do that to her ever. Not at all my intention. I was really in love with her at first before she made that joke. I wrote her a 3 page letter, played guitar anf sang for her, etc. which had a part in her wanting to “stay” with me I believe. It was also my first time going all the way, so when she said that, I literally freaked out inside and didn’t know what to do. This is also my first date ever.
EDIT: Just got out of work, I read the rest of your comment. Thank you for the support because it really did mess me up badly, I should probably go see a therapist. I was in complete stress for 3 months until that other coworker told me that he saw her down the street (she lives by work) and said she’s not pregnant. This is from a coworker I trust.
Edited my comment, I misread the citizenship part. That was entirely my fault, and I apologize to you for insinuating as that you’d involve ICE.
No one said you were planning on calling ICE.
It’s just something that gets said in general, because fuck ICE.
Oh, okay, I understand.
Fuck ICE.
NTA it sounds like she has a very poor sense of humor and doesn’t care who she hurts. Taking of a condom without your partner’s consent is extremely f-ed up. It’s a form of SA.
The only thing you did that rubs me the wrong way is asking about her citizenship as leverage. I understand you were acting out of fear due to a situation she created. Still though, it’s pretty scary to be Latin right now and even more so if you’re not a citizen. Still nta.
Totally understand. I just felt like I couldn’t trust her even if she said no or yes, and I don’t believe she would’ve taken a pregancy test. She also kept holding me up on dates for about 4 weeks after what she said, then I told her I wanted to break up. She still was trying to get back with me but I was intentionally screwing things up to get her to leave. I was really scared of her after that moment, which is why I tried to seek external help from that coworker. My mind was looking for an escape at that time because I was thinking about suicide. It’s a very terrible situation and I hope you can understand where I was at the time. (Still not okay, but I just couldn’t handle the stress)
Like I said, you are nta in the situation. She put you in a horrible, life threatening situation. You acted out of fear and you did no harm. I just think it’s important to recognize the harm that could have been done. Consider it a lesson learned and an opportunity to move forward as a wiser, and perhaps stronger person. Sending you love.
I would say she seemed toxic imo. Good thing you left. I would probably say the only thing you could have done better was to be direct and break things off straight away. Or try to explain to her why she made you uncomfortable instead.
I’m always assuming devils advocate whenever I see these posts. I gave up halfway through the first paragraph. The first time its nothing more than a distasteful joke and is ultimately probably pretty funny when all is said and done. The fourth time is a repeat offender and it was always intentional get the fuck out of there holy shit dawg RUN.
But am I wrong for dumping her?
Fuck nah, that shits fucked up bro. The only way I would get back together if she agreed to go to therapy with me; IMO she herself has some deep seated trust issues that it seems she’s not entirely aware of.
She’s a crazy person.
The only line I’m confused about is “she didn’t text you for the entire day”
So she was taking a day… so?
Am I missing something there?
Other than that, taking off the condom without permission is not cool. But why didn’t you stop the interaction at that point? Did she have you tied down or restrained where you couldn’t stop her? What prevented you from stopping things?
She didn’t text me the entire day on the same day we were supposed to go on our date. I was also drunk when she took it off. Sorry for not clarifiying that.
Thank you for the clarification.
I actually have no input on it. beyond the items I have already said because I haven’t dated since about 2005 or four.
