When the amount of time management, task tracking, studying guide I found helpful have ADHD labeled on them… I started to connect past experiences together.

It got to the point where I just need an answer and get this question out of my system.

Got myself evaluated, and the rest is history.

My kid got diagnosed, and then it became impossible to deny that I had it too

When you’re young masking is a lot easier. Pair that with the ability to drink pots of coffee nonstop throughout the day to self medicate and the time to exercise for at least an hour every day and you can get by pretty effectively. At some point though you get old and busy enough that A: it’s not possible to physically drink enough coffee to self medicate anymore and B: you don’t always have 1-2h a day to devote to exercise. At that point it becomes apparent that you should probably be on medication if you want to remain high functioning.

Attention, memory, constantly walk away and forget everything that was said, I can watch the same movie a few times before I remember it. I’m overall a space cadet in the brain. Did it happen yesterday? A few days ago? Two weeks ago? Who knows?

Why I don’t go get tested? I like flying planes and the FAA doesn’t believe ADHD is safe. Well, it’s fine if you can properly manage it. It’s pretty easy to take notes and follow the checklists.

Two children diagnosed using my school reports as background. All the signs.

While getting an adult diagnosis here is expensive and difficult, it’s probably inevitable.

I’ll get 'round to it soon…

I was in the denialist camp. Not understanding what it was, I thought it was “a social media epidemic” and not a real thing.

My nephew (roughly my age, for context) told me he thought he had it, which I dismissed, also that it’s genetic (knowing my mom and sister it did make a bit more sense…) then almost immediately came across a comment in Reddit of someone who had ADHD and wrote an experience that resonated SO MUCH with me. At that point I was mega suspicious.

I met my partner a couple of months after that, and another couple of months later, he moved into a house with a landlady… with ADHD. She’s actually an ADHD coach now. Whenever her and I got together we essentially were mirrors of each other, forgetting things, misplacing things, dissociating, hyperfocusing, fidgeting…

I got diagnosed a year after that.

I… can’t remember…?

…

DAMMIT

From YouTube and friends that have it I definitely suspected I did in my 20s. It wasn’t until my early/mid 30s though I got evaluated for it due to issues I was starting to have getting things done at work (forgetting things that needed completed, missing details, zoning out on calls more often). I think I masked it well previously because my work was varied and challenging but a new role had me doing more mundane things that required experience and attention to details but weren’t difficult for me or overly stimulating.

I was listening to a podcast about it. I was especially tuned into it because my new stepson was diagnosed long ago, and I thought it should help me understand what I was getting into. I really enjoyed the speaker, so I bought his book for more info.

In the book, I learned all about “inattentive type” which I had never heard of before. As he described the characteristics of inattentive, I was trying to figure out how that was any different from normal, and then it hit me:

I actually have no idea how a normal brain works.

Realized that something was wrong with me as I couldn’t study or do things that I need to do, still don’t have my diagnosis tho

I didn’t really, I had a poor understanding of it before, and was diagnosed when I was seeking help for depression

I knew it since 30 years ago, but got officially diagnosed at 52 or so.

My partner suspected it like a decade ago, pandemic rolled around, masking got harder. Started with my current therapist, who has ADHD, they worked with me exploring why I thought I may and helped me navigate diagnosis, seeing others lived experiences was big and is why I’m open about it at work and otherwise.

Had my preliminary consult with my psych and was given an eval that I passed with flying colours. Looking back, I check lots of boxes, I failed a course in uni because I got stressed and binged wow as an outlet, loss of structure hit me hard going from highschool. Courses I wasn’t interested in I had a hard time investing in. My masking at work didn’t do great for my mental health or personal life, food & alcohol were the drugs I used (incidentally vyvanse is used for binge eating disorder as well), hit financial issues from impulse spending. I’ve written about my experience with that in the past, was not a good time in my life (mentally or physically) but I’ve worked through it (with therapy) so it’s a chapter I don’t want to repeat.

I went through stages of acceptance after my diagnosis, which is totally normal, I’d get frustrated realising how much of my behaviour is linked to my ADHD, either directly or as a coping mechanism. Was annoyed initially I got the diagnosis in my 30s but hey, can’t change the past and I wouldn’t be who I am without my experiences. I’ve still got work to do and maladaptive coping mechanisms to unpack, but hey it’s a journey and diagnosis was absolutely vital, I’m super grateful to my partner for really pushing me towards it, they’re also nd so we help support each other.

My boomer parents shared some boomer comedy video about “pensioner adhd” or something, with an old lady trying to send a letter and being continually distracted, forgetting what she’s doing and starting a new task, again and again. They were laughing and saying how that’s what it’s like when you get old, and I genuinely didn’t understand, “that’s just what my life is like”.

That, coupled with life long education / career problems that ended with me signed off work for longer and longer stretches I finally spoke to a professional about it…

I’ve always had something wrong with me. The various diagnoses never fit and treatments didn’t do much. After making progress with my depression, I reaffirmed that it’s a result of my struggles, not the cause of them. So I stopped taking my meds, which never helped anyway.

At least, not how I expected. All my life, the mental fog and feeling scatterbrained was just normal. Even when starting Wellbutrin, it was mixed with other medications and ramped up so slowly that I never noticed the difference it made. But suddenly going without, I realized … oh, this has gotta be ADHD. So I got diagnosed and I’m seeing where that leads me.

It’s been a long road, and more difficult than most. But maybe soon it’ll finally get a little easier.